Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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