I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
