He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
