i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
