I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
