I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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