sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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