I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Mom said you looked used
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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