1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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