so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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