I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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