2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
