Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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