I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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