i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
