Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
