You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I know her cup size but not her name....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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