there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
