the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
