I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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