If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
