OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
