very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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