Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
