yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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