turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
