My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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