I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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