I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
