8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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