i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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