there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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