Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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