The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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