I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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