She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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