New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
