I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm just crazy horny about you
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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