Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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