Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
