I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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