Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
