At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
