By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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