I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
