Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
