so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
