I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
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There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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