I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
