Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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