got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
