By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
