I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
