Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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