maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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