You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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