I can tuck mytits in my pants
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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