there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sarcasm needs its own font
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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