just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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